


The Way You Do

by yourlionheartx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:40:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlionheartx/pseuds/yourlionheartx
Summary: Two years after a big argument, after Liam and Zayn decided to never speak to each other again, Zayn calls Liam and asks to meet up.





	The Way You Do

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been away for a while. A really long while. Recently listened to the solo stuff, got myself stuck right back in. Loving Ziam a lot at the moment. Quick warning for a very brief mention of an eating disorder and alcohol, to be safe.  
> x

Liam doesn’t recognise the number flashing on his screen, no caller id, no picture. One of the boys could have changed their phone, maybe Louis lost his again and he’s calling to complain to Liam about it like it’s someone else’s fault. He sighs and answers, fully expecting Louis on the other side but he’s met with silence.

“Hey,” Liam says, voice slow. He takes the phone from his ear and frowns at it, checking the other caller hasn’t hung up. “Hellooo?” he says again and at the same time he hears, in a breathy voice that might as well be a whisper, “Hey, Liam.”

And Liam’s sure that his heart stops.

 

 

_Liam only looks away from Zayn when he feels Louis elbow dig into his ribs and then he blinks back to life and realises the interviewer has asked him a question. Luckily, Louis jumps in and saves Liam’s life again. He feels Zayn’s fingers brush his hip and tries to keep his eyes forward. It’s been two days since Zayn pinned Liam down on the floor of the dressing room, both wheezing for air and laughing too loudly after playfighting over something Liam’s forgotten about now. Zayn had still been giggling when he leant forward and pressed his mouth to Liam’s. Liam felt himself freeze up, everything leaving his brain in a swoop and being replaced by Zayn’s soft lips and his hand cupping Liam’s face. Then Zayn started pulling back and Liam moved to chase his lips and pulled him back down with a hand in his hair. He opened his mouth and felt Zayn’s tongue against his and then they heard Niall’s voice, the door opening. Zayn pulled back and rolled off Liam, getting to his feet faster than Liam thought was possible. Liam didn’t move though, hand still hovering where Zayn was. He just got a raised eyebrow from Harry before Louis threw himself down on top of him._

_“Bundle,” Louis yelled and Liam groaned as the others joined him in a mess of limbs on the floor._

_Two days and Zayn’s acting like it didn’t happen. Two days and it’s all Liam can think about, Zayn’s mouth, his hand firm on Liam’s cheek, the way his breath hitched when Liam kissed him back, the fact that if Zayn hadn’t have moved away Liam isn’t sure if he’d ever have been able to stop kissing him. They’d still be kissing now._

Liam doesn’t say anything now. He swallows the lump in his throat and waits, like he’s been waiting for two years, for Zayn to be comfortable, for Zayn to want to talk. He listens to Zayn breathe out a heavy sigh. “I – um – I got your number from Harry actually,” Zayn says.

Liam’s going to kill Harry next time he sees him.

“The new song’s good, man,” Zayn continues and Liam shakes his head to himself.

“That why you called? Compliment my new song? Cheers, but you can probably just tweet me next time.”

Silence again. Zayn’s always been a little too hard to read but over the phone Liam’s completely lost. He remembers Christmas one year with his family, skyping Zayn and seeing his face all smiley in a stupid paper hat. He remembers never really needing to call because they were always next to each other anyway.

“I’m going to hang up now,” Liam says.

“Don’t,” Zayn says quickly. “Liam, don’t hang up. I wanna talk.”

Liam runs a hand over his face, rubbing his cheek. “Fuck, Zayn, why?” He wants to hang up, wants to cry, but he also has this irritating urge in him that just wants Zayn to keep talking. Zayn, his Zayn, who used to be the best part of every day. He’s missed him so much. But it’s not fair. Liam’s so close to being over the awful achy feeling he gets when he can’t sleep at night and he thinks about Zayn’s hands on him, ignored texts, how easy Liam was for Zayn to drop and walk away from.

“I don’t know,” Zayn admits.

Two years. Two fucking years and Liam hears the hitch in Zayn’s voice and just wants to hold him close and tell him it’s all okay. He’s been waiting for this call. Now he has it and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

“I don’t fucking know, Liam, I just can’t – I want to talk to you. I miss you.” It sounds like he might be crying, trying really hard to bite his lip against sobs and that hurts, but it also makes Liam just want to hurt him.

“You think maybe this call would have worked better a couple of years ago?” Liam snaps. “Like when I tried to call you, when I left you voice messages every single fucking night, Zayn? I don’t give a shit if you miss me now. I don’t care.”

He remembers spitting similar words at Zayn the night he left, telling him he never meant anything to him but a bit of fun, watching Zayn break. A breakup that almost turned into a fight but the boys were there to step in and pull them back. Still, words were said that felt worse than punches to the stomach.

Somehow, this time, Zayn’s the calm one. The sound of his shaky breathing on the other end of the phone makes Liam want to throw the phone across the room.

“You hurt me, I wanted to hurt you back,” Zayn says finally. “Then it just – it was easier to pretend it never happened, instead of going back and knowing we couldn’t fix it.”

“That makes no sense,” Liam mutters, but it kind of does.

“I want to see you,” Zayn says.

Liam shakes his head. “I don’t want to see you, Zayn,” he says, his voice quiet. “There’s no point.”

Zayn takes another breath that makes Liam squeeze his eyes shut. “I want us to be friends,” Zayn carries on and it’s like he isn’t even listening, like everything Liam’s saying is just lost somewhere in the air. His brain is pleading with him to hang up and change his number and maybe run away to a different place, but he can’t.

“I don’t care what you want,” Liam says, but his voice doesn’t come out how he wants it to. It’s all hoarse and breathy and weak. So fucking weak. He hates how he sounds and how he feels and how all he can think of doing is getting in his car and driving to wherever Zayn is.

It kills him how careful Zayn’s being, it kills him that they’ve become this but of course they have, it’s been too long for a phone call to save anything.

“Okay,” Zayn says with a sigh. “I just wanted to try. I think that’s worth something. I wanted to see if we could act like adults.”

Liam shakes his head and he knows that really all he’s trying to do is punish Zayn and that’s stupid and immature but it’s all he knows how to do because seeing Zayn, trying to act like this is all normal, isn’t something he can handle. Yelling at each other and making each other suffer is what became normal towards the end anyway.

“Liam - “ Zayn starts but Liam interrupts because he can’t even stand hearing Zayn say his name.

“No, you don’t get, I really, really don’t care. I don’t want you to call me and I definitely don’t want to see you,” Liam says.

The silence stretches on and again Liam thinks of hanging up. He can see Zayn with the phone to his ear, eyes closed, head bowed. He can still trace all his features out with the lights off.

“Okay, fuck you,” Zayn mutters and there it is, what Liam was waiting for, for some stupid reason.

There’s the Zayn Liam said good bye to, who was crying as he told Liam he hated him. Liam wanted him to snap, wanted Zayn as angry as he is but now he isn’t sure.

“I don’t get why you’re getting so wound up over some stupid hook ups years ago. You’re a fucking joke, Liam,” Zayn says and Liam hangs up.

He ends the call and drops his phone on his bed in front of him. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t throw his phone across the room, doesn’t push anything off of his desk or punch any walls like he did when Zayn told him he was leaving.

The phone doesn’t ring again.

 

 

_“Liiiaaaaaam,” Zayn whines. He’s been knocking on the door for a few minutes now but Liam’s ignoring him because it’s nearly two am and he wants to sleep for God’s sake but Zayn doesn’t stop._

_Liam groans. “Hang on,” he calls out, sitting up and feeling his way through the dark to the door. He unlocks it and Zayn walks in without being invited. “Hi,” Liam says, rolling his eyes when Zayn climbs into Liam’s bed._

_“I can’t sleep,” Zayn says, pulling Liam’s covers over his head and disappearing. They’re in a hotel in Madrid and it’s so hot that Liam’s in just his boxers and still sweating. He doesn’t really want to sleep next to someone, radiating extra, unwanted body heat. He gets back into bed anyway._

_“How am I meant to help?” Liam asks. He’s barely had time to lie down before Zayn’s rolling over and placing one hand either side of Liam’s head. It’s dark but the light from the gap in the curtains hits Zayn’s smile. “Zayn?” Liam starts._

_“Shut up,” Zayn whispers. He doesn’t do anything for a moment, his eyes moving over Liam’s face. Slowly, he moves his knee so he’s straddling his hips, his eyes never leaving his face, waiting to see if Liam pushes him away. Zayn wets his lips with his tongue and Liam’s done. He pushes himself up on his elbows and kisses him. Zayn makes a noise in his throat and he lets himself sink into it. Liam slides his fingers under Zayn’s t shirt against hot skin and feels Zayn shudder, pressing further into the kiss. Their mouths move together until Zayn pulls back to take a breath and stare at Liam._

_“All right?” he asks._

_Liam nods. “I think so.”_

_“I’m lying in the room next to you and I can’t stop thinking about you,” Zayn admits. He lets his arms drop carefully, lowering his weight onto Liam and burying his face into Liam’s shoulder, embarrassed. Liam opens his mouth to say something but then gasps when he feels Zayn mouthing at his skin. He knows he’s hard, knows Zayn can feel it now, and then he realises Zayn’s hard too and he flushes._

_He doesn’t know what to say, so he just gets his hand in Zayn’s hair and tugs him up for another kiss. Zayn rocks his hips forward, right against Liam’s cock._

_“Fuck,” Liam breathes and Zayn pulls back with a little laugh._

_“Language, Li,” he says, tutting and shaking his head. So casual. Liam isn’t sure why but Zayn’s weight on him, the smell of his shampoo and a hint of cigarette smoke on his breath, it all feels like they should have been doing this from day one. That’s scary. The fact that Liam realises he’s wanted this without even knowing it and now he can’t imagine not having it._

_“Kiss me,” Liam pleads and Zayn does. He curls his tongue into Liam’s mouth and Liam hears himself moan out, blushing at the sound. He moves a hand, meaning to reach down and adjust himself, try and take some pressure off but his fingers brush the front of Zayn’s jeans and Zayn sucks in a sharp breath. Liam feels out the shape of Zayn under the denim and feels Zayn rocking into his hand. He finds Zayn’s button but their bodies are pressed too close for him to be able to do anything. Zayn lets out a breathy laugh at the frustrated moan Liam can’t help._

_“You okay?” Zayn asks._

_“Take these off,” Liam mutters in response. He feels completely naked in just his underwear when Zayn’s still fully dressed. Zayn gets it because he moves to sit up and pulls his t shirt off before moving to his flies and Liam just lets himself stare as his best friend gets undressed and then moves to kiss him again. They’re both in their boxers, moving slowly against each other and Liam feels so hot. He’s so hard, so turned on that he can hardly even breathe. And it’s Zayn doing this. Liam can’t really wrap his head around that._

_“I wanna touch you,” Zayn whispers. Liam swears again, like that’s some kind of response and he feels Zayn smiling against his lips, fingers dipping under the waistband of Liam’s boxers. His hand curls around Liam’s cock and Liam pushes his own hand into Zayn’s pants, definitely not with the same grace Zayn just manged. He’s clumsy and shaking a bit but he gets a grip on Zayn, feeling him hot and hard in his palm, squeezing his eyes shut and gasping when Zayn groans into his mouth. Liam’s spare hand falls from Zayn’s hair to grip the sheets under him tight. He slides his hand faster. Zayn pulls back from their messy kiss to bite down on his lip and they watch each other._

_It’s too much, Zayn’s eyes on him like that, but Liam needs more. He shifts and gets them onto their sides so their hands aren’t crushed together between their stomachs. Then he can get a better grip on Zayn and he watches Zayn’s eyelashes fluttering._

_Liam comes first with a shuddering gasp and Zayn’s free hand in his hair. His nails dig a little into Zayn’s shoulder and he tightens his grip on Zayn’s cock, smiling against Zayn’s lips when he hears Zayn breathing out his name. Zayn moans as he reaches his orgasm, splashing over Liam’s fist and leaning close to kiss him again._

_They both lie there for a moment catching their breath and still watching each other._

_So,” Zayn says with a nervous smile. “You good?” He asks again. Liam can only nod. He reaches with his clean hand to push Zayn’s hair away from his eyes. He lets his hand trace over Zayn’s cheek and Zayn’s leans into it._

_“I’m gonna sleep here,” Zayn says, eyes already closed. He reaches out to pull Liam closer to him. “Night, Li.”_

_Liam watches Zayn for a minute and then lets himself fall asleep too._

_A few nights later they make out in Liam’s bunk on the bus, after the others have all gone to sleep. Zayn shushes Liam when he can’t stop gasping and then moves down his body to take Liam’s cock into his mouth and Liam bites his lip so hard to stop moaning out that he thinks he might break the skin. They meet in Zayn’s room after a show in Paris and Liam goes down on Zayn until Zayn’s gasping out his name over and over again. In Venice, they stay up until three in the morning exploring each other, finding out where to kiss and suck to make each other gasp and then they come up with song lyrics together as they fall asleep in each other’s arms. They turn up to an interview the next day and Louis is looking at them both with narrowed eyes as they struggle to stop grinning at each other. It’s fun, it’s really great. Liam wonders if they can carry on doing it forever._

“Harry, you little shit,” Louis calls out and Liam can’t help but smile. He hears Harry in the background. _What did I do?_ he asks and Louis starts yelling. Liam rolls his eyes, taking his mug away from the coffee machine and heading over to the fridge for milk.

“He was tryna help, Lou. I get it,” Liam says.

Harry calls out a sorry but Louis cuts him off. “Not good enough, not cutting it. Go think about what you’ve done. You’re all right though?” It takes a second for Liam to realise he’s being addressed.

“Mate, it was years ago. I’m not that pathetic. Just annoyed at how he was acting like he did nothing wrong.” Liam finishes making his coffee and heads to the living room where the TVs playing some shitty hospital drama.

Louis is quiet for a moment. “Well, yeah – but, Li, you guys were close. It ended – I mean, it was bad at the end. I got my issues with the guy but we’ve pretty much sorted it. I’d say hi if I saw him. Probably. Maybe he just wants to be okay like that with you.”

Liam doesn’t want that. It’s selfish, but he doesn’t want ‘just okay. “I used to think about him calling me and being like – I don’t know, this is stupid, but telling me he’s sorry and he loves me.” Liam wrinkles his nose and drops his head into his hand. “He didn’t.”

“These things never go like we think though do they? Like, I’d probably suggest meeting in the day maybe. For coffee? At one of your places, maybe not in public. I don’t know if you want that meeting papped.”

Liam smiles again. He definitely doesn’t want the image of him throwing his Starbucks all over Zayn on the front page of a magazine.

“You think I should give him a chance? You were there that last night - ”

“I was there when you told him he meant nothing to you, yeah,” Louis says and Liam shouldn’t be surprised by his bluntness. It’s Louis after all. There’s a reason Liam called Louis and not Harry or Niall who would have been all romantic movie about the situation.

“I didn’t mean that,” Liam mutters.

Louis sighs. “He doesn’t know that. “

“I’m really scared about seeing him again. Hearing his voice literally made me feel like I was going to be sick.”

“I know. I get it. But like – do you wanna feel like this forever or just meet him and talk it out. Be an adult.”

Liam huffs out a laugh, rolling his eyes at the fact he’s been accused of being childish by Zayn and Louis in the space of twelve hours and he’s not used to being the immature one out of those two.

“When did you get so bloody grown up?” he asks, but he knows the answer. Louis had to grow up a lot, had to bear the weight of so many shitty things, some of the same things that Liam and Zayn crumbled under after just a few months.   

“Do it for Niall,” Louis says and Liam laughs again.

“Mate, I do everything for Niall.”

“All right, good. Now fuck off, I’m gonna go teach my dumb boyfriend a lesson about messing with other people’s business,” his voice raises at the end of the sentence and Liam hears Harry call out goodbye.

“Bye guys. Love you.”

“Love you too, Li,” Louis says before he hangs up and Liam’s left staring at his coffee, gripping his phone tighter in his hand. He’s kind of got to be the adult now, he thinks. He knows Zayn too well, knows that even if he hasn’t been around him in two years, Zayn’s still gonna be the stubborn little shit he always is. If Liam doesn’t make the first move Zayn could probably ignore him forever.

 

 

_“What did you say?” Zayn pulls back from where he’s been sucking a mark into Liam’s chest. A few nights okay he left a love bite on Liam’s neck and although no one had said anything Louis gave Liam a very pointed look the next day over breakfast. They’re not exactly scared of the others finding out but it feels nicer to know this is just theirs. At least for now._

_Liam isn’t sure he wants to say it again, not with Zayn staring at him like that. He blushes all over and tries to turn to press his face into the pillow but Zayn stops him with a gentle hand on his cheek. “Liam,” he whispers._

_“Fuckme,” Liam rushes out, closing his eyes._

_“You want me to fuck you?”_

_Liam sighs and nods towards his half-unpacked suitcase. “Top, in the zippy bit,” Liam mutters. Somehow Zayn understands that direction and he finds the bottle of lube, turning to raise his eyebrows at Liam._

_“You planned for this,” Zayn says with a smile. “You been thinking of it, yeah? Me and you having sex? What you been thinking about, Li?” Zayn’s still smiling as he climbs back onto the bed next to Liam. He leans in close to mouth at Liam’s neck again and Liam feels him drop the bottle somewhere near his head._

_“I’m not – “ Liam sighs and tilts his head to give Zayn more access. “Not telling you what I’ve been thinking about.”_

_Zayn pulls back. “Then how am I gonna know what you want me to do?” He bites into his lip and lifts his eyebrows, one hand trailing down to take Liam’s erection in his hand. “I can’t read minds. You’re going to have talk me through this, tell me what you want.”_

_Liam shakes his head, gasping when Zayn flicks his wrist on his cock. “I can’t – that’s embarrassing,” he whines and Zayn takes his hand away with a shrug._

_“Then I’m stumped, Liam. If you say nothing I’m gonna assume you want nothing.” He goes to move but Liam stops him, grabbing his arm._

_“No, no, no. I want this – ” Liam says, tugging on Zayn’s arm. “Touch my cock.”_

_Zayn makes a growling noise in his throat and gets his hand on Liam again. “And?” he asks._

_“I want you to fuck me. Been thinking – thinking about it all the time, Zayn. I want to feel it - you.” Liam’s so red._

_“Christ,” Zayn whispers._

_Liam couldn’t possibly be blushing any more than he is, he’s sure he’s flushed right down to his toes and he squeezes his eyes shut. “I’ve – I’ve been touching myself - there,” He says and Zayn looks like he might die right there on the spot, taking in a shaky breath and looking at Liam like he’s the whole world and more._

_“You’ve? You’ve – Jesus, Liam, do that in front of me next time.” Zayn finally moves and crashes his lips into Liam’s, pushing him hard into the bed. “I’m gonna make you feel so good,” Zayn whispers between kisses. Liam just nods, trying to pull Zayn closer somehow even though they’re already pressed together everywhere._

_“How many fingers?” Zayn asks and Liam knows he’s not going to shut up, so Liam’s going to have to just ignore how embarrassed he feels and talk back._

_“Three,” he says. “I got to three. Thought about you, pretended it was you.”_

_“God, really? That’s hot. That’s so hot.”_

_Zayn moves to kiss Liam’s neck. It’s been a few months of this now, of kissing and getting each other off, rushing things. They have the morning off tomorrow and this is all Liam has been thinking about since they booked the hotel. Zayn mumbles something into Liam’s neck and Liam looks down at him._

_“What?” he asks._

_Zayn looks up through his lashes, biting on his lip. “I said – I never done this before,” Zayn repeats._

_“Me neither,” Liam says._

_Zayn breathes out a little sigh and nods, moving down, kissing Liam’s chest, his stomach, his hips. Liam knew, really, that Zayn hadn’t done this but it still feels like a relief to hear it. They can do this together, maybe mess it up, but make it theirs and perfect in that way. He clenches his fist in the sheets when Zayn starts mouthing at the head of his cock, licking and teasing._

_“Just wanna make you feel good,” Zayn says, sounding more nervous now but just as sexy and Liam nods again._

_“You will,” he says and that seems to give Zayn the confidence he needs to take Liam into his mouth, the hand that isn’t still wrapped around his cock reaching to grab the lube. Liam makes a noise in his throat and squeezes his eyes shut, hearing the cap open and feeling Zayn pull away as he gets it out onto his fingers. Then he’s back on him, sucking him into his mouth as Liam spreads his legs further apart. Zayn’s fingers slip against his hole, his fingertips just rubbing over him._

_Liam opens his eyes and glances down but when he sees Zayn watching him he has to look away again, trying to push his face into the pillow. Zayn pulls off again, this time with a quiet laugh. “I can’t multi task this much after all,” he says and Liam smiles at him. “Tell me what feels good,” Zayn prompts, moving his finger and pushing in slowly to the knuckle and Liam feels a little faint, watching the serious look on Zayn’s face as he explores a new part of Liam, slowly fucking his finger in and out, crooking it a little so Liam’s pushing his hips back and letting out a shaky breath. When Zayn adds another finger he’s still going too slow, glancing up at Liam’s face to check his reaction._

_Liam grinds his hips down to meet Zayn’s hand and Zayn’s breath gets stuck in his throat._

_“Faster,” Liam whispers. Zayn finally speeds up, leaning forward to kiss Liam’s hip again and then bite the skin as he picks up a rhythm._

_“God, yes,” Liam breathes, trying to rock down on Zayn’s thrusts. Zayn adds another finger and starts to really fuck them into Liam then. Liam can feel his smile against his hip as he moans. The boys are just next door, Niall on one side and Harry and Louis on the other, and usually Liam would be at least trying to be quiet but he can’t find it in himself to care enough about that right now._

_“Okay,” Liam says, pushing at Zayn’s hand._

_“Yeah?” Zayn pulls his fingers out, going for the lube. Liam notices his hands shaking and grabs him to pull him in for a kiss. He feels so hot, sweat making his hair stick to his face as Zayn sucks on his lip._

_“Yeah,” Liam says with a nod. “I want you.”_

_He helps Zayn to uncap the bottle of lube again and gets it out onto his hand, motioning for Zayn to come closer so he can get his hand on him. Zayn gasps and watches Liam slick him up before he moves to lie down again, moving his legs wider._

_“Um – should we? Do you want me to put on a condom?” Zayn asks._

_Liam considers it, knows it will be less messy with one, but he kind of really wants to feel Zayn come inside him. He won’t say that out loud to Zayn though. He just shakes his head. Zayn looks at him for a moment, looks as if he’s reading Liam’s dirty thoughts and he breaths out shakily._

_“Fuck, okay,” Zayn says. He braces himself with one hand next to Liam’s head and wraps the other around his cock, lining himself up. He edges himself in slowly, working Liam open and Liam can’t even help the noises he’s making anymore, whimpers and moans that would make him feel like dying of shame if he wasn’t feeling so drunk on this._

_Zayn’s so careful, of course he is, rocking forward gently until he’s all the way in. “Fuck,” he whispers again, leaning forward to catch Liam’s mouth in another kiss. Liam’s hands are on Zayn’s back and his nails dig in just a little when Zayn draws back and then pushes back in. Zayn keeps that up for a moment and Liam can’t catch his breath, can’t deal with how good it feels, how right. When Zayn moans against Liam’s lips, Liam lifts his legs to wrap around Zayn’s back, pushing him, urging him further. Zayn picks up the pace, fucking into Liam harder and faster so that all they can hear, all that exists, is each other’s panted breaths and the sound of skin on skin._

_“Zayn,” Liam moans, his hand finding Zayn’s hair to tug him down in a messy kiss. He moves against Zayn, pushing back into him. When Zayn reaches between them for Liam’s cock, Liam gasps, pulling back from the kiss to throw his head back. Zayn’s immediately on Liam’s neck, kissing and nipping at the skin and Liam doesn’t even think about the marks he might leave._

_He feels Zayn start to pump his hand, trying to match the movement of his hips and it’s too much. Liam shakes and pants out Zayn’s name as he comes, leaning forward to find Zayn’s mouth and butting their foreheads together instead. Zayn lets out a breathy laugh when Liam mutters an ‘ow’, but then he tilts his head, fitting their lips together and then Zayn’s own hips are stuttering as he comes with a throaty moan._

_Liam doesn’t take his eyes off of him, watches his eyes squeeze shut, teeth sinking into his bottom lip as is whole body shudders and he, fuck, Liam feels him everywhere. He bites his own lip against a whimpering noise when Zayn pulls out and leans forward to kiss Liam._

_“I’m gonna have a bump on my head tomorrow,” Zayn says, smiling as he pulls away._

_“Shit, I’m sorry.” Liam reaches up to touch where they hit heads but Zayn just laughs again._

_“God, you – you’re amazing, Liam.” Zayn kisses him again. “You’re so amazing,” he repeats. He’s still shaking a bit, moving to lie next to Liam._

_“I’m gross,” Liam mutters, trying to sit up to find tissues or something but finding that his body is too heavy for him to move. Zayn catches on though and rolls over to grab some tissues from a box on the bedside table. He cleans Liam’s stomach and his own hand without saying a word and when Liam turns his head Zayn is just staring at him_

_“Liam, I – “_

_Neither of them have enough time to pull the covers up or jump apart before the door’s being pushed open and they’re greeted with Niall’s sing song voice “Hey, man, you seen Li – “ Niall freezes in the door frame._

_Zayn reacts first, pulling the duvet up over Liam._

_“Why can’t you knock, Niall? The doors closed for Christ’s sake. What is privacy in this fucking band,” Zayn snaps._

_“You have seen Liam then, I guess,” Niall says, still looking between the two of them. “You’re – you two? Wow, you guys are sleeping together?”_

_Zayn looks at Liam and they know they can’t exactly hide it when they’ve been caught like this. Liam narrows his eyes at the grin on the Zayn’s face._

_“We were. We’ve finished now,” Zayn says and Liam nearly chokes. He reaches to smack the back of Zayn’s head and Zayn turns to hit him back, swiping at his arm. “Stop hitting me, man,” Zayn says._

_“So I’m the only one in this band who is not having sex with a member of this band. Interesting. Feeling a bit left out, actually,” Niall says with a frown._

_Liam laughs then. He can’t help it. Niall looks so put out about that fact. “All right. We’re not really – telling people,” Liam says carefully. Zayn lies back down on his side, the covers pulled to his hips but not really bothering to hide much. Liam really, really wishes he had more clothes on for this conversation._

_“So – are you - ” Niall gestures between them. “Like together like Harry and Lou, or just having fun?”_

_“Just having fun,” Liam says quickly, but at the same time Zayn says “Together” and then he feels Zayn goes really tense next to him and Liam stops breathing. He doesn’t move, doesn’t turn to look at Zayn’s expression, but Niall’s eyes go all wide and he takes a step back._

_“Right, well, awesome. We’re putting a movie on anyway, that’s why I’m here. Inviting you – to join if you like. Cool, bye.” He darts out of the room, closing the door behind him and Liam’s met with complete silence. He turns slowly and sees Zayn staring at him with his jaw clenched._

_Liam forces out a little laugh. “Come on, Zayn, we’re hardly Harry and Louis, are we?”_

_“What the fuck?” Zayn says finally._

_“What?”_

_“This is – seriously, what just happened is just fun for you?” Zayn asks. He sits up and Liam doesn’t know what to say, what he’s supposed to say. He thought he was saying and doing the right things and now he has no idea._

_“Fuck this,” Zayn mutters, pushing the duvet away. He starts picking up his clothes and pulling them on, taking Liam’s shirt accidentally and throwing it behind him. It hits Liam in the chest and Liam clenches his fist in the material, opening his mouth to say something but coming up blank._

_“It’s been real fucking fun, a right laugh,” Zayn starts, his voice bitter. “Good to know that’s about it for you, that all of this is a big fucking game.” He’s dressed now and Liam stares as he grabs his phone from the bedside table, shoving it in his pocket and walking towards the door. Liam wants to remind him that this is his room, not Liam’s, but he just sits there like an idiot._

_Zayn turns, waits for a moment for Liam to say something but all Liam manages is a weak ‘Zayn, I don’t – don’t go’ which clearly makes Zayn even madder because he slams the door behind him when he leaves with a force that makes Liam wince._

 

He’s not sure what he’s doing here. It’s too loud and it seems to be getting louder. A thump thump thump that Liam’s sure will be repeating in his head tomorrow morning. He’s drunk enough to be dancing too close to a girl with dark eyes and smooth skin, her hands on his hips. Niall’s here somewhere, probably at the bar ordering them more drinks because he hasn’t realised yet that Liam’s vision is blurring and he’s starting to find the whole standing up thing pretty difficult. The girl leans forward and Liam moves back, leaving her staring with wide eyes, looking lost. Liam coughs, steps back, knocks into a barman who’s carrying a tray of champagne and nearly brings it all crashing down before he catches his footing.

“I’m so sorry,” he slurs, to the man, to the girl who’s looking so embarrassed, still staring. He stumbles towards the door, hand in his pocket on his phone and for some stupid reason he feels tears burning. When he’s outside he takes in a breath of air and leans forward for a second, thinking he might be sick. He isn’t. He takes his phone out of his pocket.

After Zayn left, after that final argument that tipped them over and made him hate Liam enough to pack his bags and walk away from all of them, Liam hadn’t been able to cry for months. It took Louis, Harry and Niall dragging him to a club much like this for ‘a lads night’ for him to get drunk enough that Louis found him sitting outside sobbing.

Liam doesn’t check the time before he calls Zayn.

“Li? Are you okay? It’s two in the morning,” Zayn says when he picks up on the second ring. And just like that, Liam’s gone. God, he fucking hates drinking. He always ends up like this at the end of what should be a fun night. He can hear Zayn saying his name, starting to panic.

Yesterday Liam spent about an hour planning what to say to Zayn when he finally got the courage to call him. Now he’s just crying like an idiot, trying to catch his breath.

“Shit,” he manages. “Shit, Zayn. I fucking hate you.”

Silence.

Liam scrubs at his face, taking in a shaky breath. He tries to remember what he wanted to say, it probably wasn’t that.

“I don’t hate you,” he says. “I don’t – I just – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m so drunk. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Why did you fucking call me the other day?”

“Because I miss you,” Zayn says flatly. “Where are you?”

“That stupid – what’s it called? Turtle bar place. With Niall.”

“Do you know how to get home?”

Liam rolls his eyes. “I remember my address,” he mutters.

“Can I give you mine? Can you come over?”

Liam’s breath catches. “Why?” he asks.

“I don’t want you to be alone. You’re upset.”

“I’m drunk,” Liam says. He kicks his shoe against the curb, feeling stupid and pathetic all of a sudden. “And I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry.”

He goes to hang up but he hears Zayn say his name, all soft and kind like he used to when he woke Liam up in the morning on tour with kisses to his neck. Liam, Liam, wake up. Zayn’s all over him, hands in his hair, the smell of him making his head hurt even more, biting on his lips and tugging at his shirt.

“Liam,” a different voice. Liam turns and sees Niall almost fall out of the door. “Mate, what are you doing? I’m heading home.”

“I’m not alone,” Liam mutters and hangs up.

 

 Liam wakes up to a text from Zayn that just says ‘be okay. thinking of you’. He doesn’t reply.

 

 

_Days of not talking to Zayn feel like months. They’re at rehearsals and Zayn won’t even stand near him, Zayn excuses himself early when they’re on the bus, closing the curtain to his bunk and pretending to sleep, Liam avoids the looks Niall tries to give him, the pleading ‘talk to me Liam, tell me what happened look’. He’s getting wound up at the stupidest things, clashing with Louis far too often and even snapping at reporters while Zayn just stares off somewhere into the distance. One night they get a hotel again and Liam’s curled up under the duvet staring at the wall when there’s a knock on the door. A pause. Then “Liam Payne, open this God damn door,” Louis._

_Louis barges in before the doors even fully open. “Okay, what happened? Spill. This is bullshit,” Louis snaps._

_“Nothing happened,” Liam mutters._

_Louis sits down on Liam’s bed and pushes himself back against the headboard, patting the space next to him. Liam rolls his eyes and goes to sit there, letting Louis put his arm around him and pull him just a little too close to be comfortable._

_“You were fucking, right?” Louis says and Liam pulls away, almost falling off the bed._

_“What?”_

_Louis shrugs. “You and Zayn? I mean, I get keeping it your own little thing but like – it is me, Li, if anyone’s gonna get it it’s probably gonna be me.” Louis raises his eyebrows and Liam sighs, leaning back against the headboard and staring up at the ceiling._

_“Once, we’ve had sex once. We just – I don’t know - ”_

_“Get each other off? Bit of stress relief?”_

_Liam shakes his head. “No, no. It’s not about getting off. It’s Zayn.”_

_“You like him?”_

_Liam opens his mouth. He remembers a few weeks ago when Zayn climbed silently into his bunk and they just held onto each other and talked about stupid shit until the driver pulled over to take a nap. Zayn had stepped outside for a cigarette and Liam joined him, just leaning into him as they continued talking – what would you do with your last day alive? Which one person would you take to a dessert island? If we could only ever play one song, what would it be?_

_Liam isn’t sure if before or after that night he’s ever felt more content, comfortable, maybe loved. Then they fell asleep with Zayn draped over Liam’s chest and Liam woke up with a stupid grin on his face._

_“You like him,” Louis confirms, even though Liam hasn’t actually said anything. “Dude, we have seen you two together you know? Not like kissing or anything but just looking at each other. What happened recently? You guys are being miserable shits.”_

_“Jesus, Lou,” Liam says but he can’t help smiling. Louis never worries about walking carefully around a topic. He just jumps in and says what he thinks, every time. He takes a breath. “Okay, I might like him but that’s – I can’t like him.”_

_“Because he’s a guy?” Louis asks._

_“No. It’s not that, I don’t – that doesn’t come into it, man, it’s just – it’s Zayn. I’m with him every day, all the time. If something happened and it went wrong I’d blame myself for maybe fucking up this band and fucking it up for you guys too.”_

_Louis keeps his eyes on Liam for a moment and then huffs out a laugh which makes Liam scowl at him. “What is funny about that?” Liam asks._

_“You being mister responsible all the time. Me and Haz had this conversation, you know? Then after a minute we realised we probably won’t break up because I want to marry him and have his babies but like – I do get it, just stop it. You can’t go into things always thinking about the end of it. You can’t live like that, mate.”_

_“Zayn’s so – I can’t hurt him, Lou. I think I’m just going to keep letting him down and messing up and I can’t, not with Zayn. I couldn’t stand it.”_

_Louis is looking at Liam again, this time a little more intense. He bites his lip and nods slowly. “Shit, I think you need to give it a go at least. For your sake, you’re insane about him.”_

_“I am not,” Liam mutters, shoving Louis’ shoulder with no force behind it at all. Louis grins and shoves back. “Fuck off and go back to your boyfriend,” Liam says with a smile._

_“After you go to yours.” Louis’ face is too serious, Liam thinks of Zayn, thinks he’s probably already asleep because it’s Zayn and as soon as he sees a bed he’s dead to the world unless Liam’s there and then maybe he has a little energy in him._

_“Wow, not even a denial,” Louis says. “He went outside for a smoke, go get him.” Louis gets up and walks over to the door, waiting for Liam who still hasn’t moved. “Go and get him,” he repeats, sterner now._

_“Don’t tell me what to do,” Liam says, but he’s getting up and grabbing a t shirt out of his suitcase which is still unpacked because they’ll be leaving tomorrow. He pulls it over his head and shoves on a pair of shoes, thinking he probably couldn’t look more scruffy if he tried but he can’t really fuss around having a shower and finding something to wear that isn’t pyjama bottoms._

_“And he’s not my boyfriend,” he says as he walks past Louis and out into the corridor._

_“Whatever, man,” Louis says, walking back towards his and Harry’s room. He turns at the door. “Just tell him,” he says, voice all soft and un-Louis like. He smiles and nods at Liam and Liam knows he’s going to go into his room and boast to Harry about how he’s saved the band or some shit. Liam rolls his eyes and starts towards the lift._

_Zayn’s in the hotel lobby, already heading back to his room, eyes on the floor. Liam clears his throat and he looks up, eyes wide. “Hey,” Liam says quietly. “Can we – back outside.” He nods at the door and Zayn just nods and turns, walks back out._

_It’s Paris and it’s beautiful at night, the moon huge and lights twinkling as far as they can see. Zayn leans against the wall and they both automatically do a sweep with their eyes for anyone lurking. Their hotel was surrounded by fans just hours ago but it seems quiet now, a rare moment of calm in their lives. Liam watches Zayn pushing his hands into his pockets and Zayn looks back at him, waiting._

_“Right, well - ” Liam starts. “Last few days have been pretty shit,” he admits._

_“Yeah,” Zayn agrees._

_Liam sighs, looks like he’s doing the talking. That doesn’t always go well. “Look, Zayn, I – I didn’t know what you wanted me to say when Niall asked that. I didn’t know what you wanted, we haven’t exactly talked about this. I don’t know what we’re doing.”_

_“I was hoping we were doing more than just fucking around,” Zayn mutters._

_“You’re never someone I’d fuck around with, never someone I could ever hurt,” Liam’s sure his voice goes a little too high then and he takes a breath and coughs to clear the weird lump in his throat._

_“I know,” Zayn says._

_“Then why are you giving me shit for this?” Liam asks._

_Zayn narrows his eyes. “I’m not giving you shit.”_

_“You’re not even talking to me, Zayn. You can’t just not talk to me, it’s killing me.”_

_“You’re not talking to me either,” Zayn snaps._

_“Because I don’t know what you want from me,” Liam raises his voice and Zayn moves, takes a step forward so he’s closer to Liam, closer than he’s been in days and Liam wants nothing more than to grab hold of him and never let go._

_“I want you. I’ve always just wanted you,” Zayn says._

_“Why?” Liam asks and then his voice really does crack and he realises it’s what’s been holding him back, the why of it all. Why would Zayn want him when he could probably get anyone else he wanted? Why would Zayn kiss and fuck him like he does and then go days ignoring him like he means nothing? Why isn’t Zayn as scared about this as Liam is?_

_Zayn reaches to stroke his thumb over Liam’s neck, fingers in his hair and he moves to press their foreheads together. Liam can’t control the way his hand moves to fist Zayn’s shirt. “Because you’re Liam,” Zayn whispers, tilting his head to press their lips together._

_Liam shakes his head and pulls away but he doesn’t let go of Zayn. “If we mess this up, we could ruin everything,” he says._

_“Let’s not mess it up then.” Zayn gives Liam a small smile and Liam sighs, wanting to step back but instead moving forward to kiss Zayn hard and push him back into the wall._

 

 

For some reason, the televisions by the treadmills at the gym play music videos on mute and dance music out of the speakers. Liam’s not really paying attention to them. He’s listening to music from his phone. He hasn’t ran in a while. Recently his workouts have been half hearted. a few goes on the bench, some squats. He’s probably losing muscle that he worked so hard to build. Today he’s doing well, throwing himself into it with everything. He’s trying to take his mind of off Zayn to be honest. He’s doing a pretty good job until he glances up at the screen in front of him and nearly loses his footing when he sees Zayn staring back at him.

Liam’s seen Zayn since obviously, on magazine covers, on television, heard his song in shops. He’s hard to avoid. He’s even caught the music videos every now and then. But now, as Zayn looks into the camera and mouths the words to a song he started coming up with when they were still in the band, Liam suddenly can’t breathe. He scrambles to turn the speed on the treadmill down, slowing to a walk, eyes not leaving the screen. He wonders how long it took Zayn to call after Harry gave him Liam’s number, how scared he must have felt. There’s so much they can’t take back but Louis was right, they can’t just let this go and never be okay again. They can’t keep doing this.

He stops the treadmill and steps off, legs a little wobbly. He isn’t even thinking about it when he presses his thumb to Zayn’s number. When Zayn picks up the phone, Liam doesn’t say a word, everything he wants to say getting clogged up somewhere in his throat.

“Hi Liam.”

“I just saw your music video,” Liam says before he realises how stupid that sounds. He winces, remembering their first call and how angry he was when Zayn tried to make small talk about his song.

“Okay.”

“I mean, obviously seen it before but it’s – I’m at the gym and I was trying not to think about you and can we start this conversation again?”

Zayn doesn’t say anything for a moment, then “Hi, Liam,” he repeats.

“Right. Can I have your address?” Very, very smooth. Liam really wishes he had thought this out more, written down what he was going to say before he threw up a load of words.

“Um – are you even in the UK right now?” Zayn asks.

“Yeah. I’ve had a few days off. Seeing friends, working out.” Zayn doesn’t care, Liam needs to stop talking. He starts towards the changing room to get away from noise.

“Liam – “

“I know I shouldn’t be doing this to you, I’m sorry. I just needed some time but now I - I want to see you. I want to see you, Zayn.” Liam leans forward to rest his forehead against the cold metal of his locker, letting out a breath.

“Okay,” Zayn says. “I’ll text you my address. When are you coming?”

Liam stands up straight, looking down at himself. “After I’ve taken a shower,” he says. He knows Zayn’s living somewhere in London but London’s a big place so he’s not sure how far he’s going to have to drive and he realises he doesn’t care. He’d drive to Scotland if that’s where Zayn’s decided to live. Hell, he’d catch a plane if it was necessary

“Right. Okay then, see you when you get here.” Zayn hangs up. For the first time, Zayn’s the one who ends the call and Liam takes the phone from his ear, waiting for the text message to come through.

 

 

_Once all the boys know about them, Liam and Zayn just stop being subtle. Zayn lies on Liam’s lap when they all watch movies together, they greet each other with kisses over breakfast, they dance close when they’re out, not giving a damn who sees them. Liam isn’t sure when that becomes awkward meetings with Zayn squeezing his hand under the table, publicity stunts with girls they’ve long since fallen out of love with. Zayn isn’t eating. Liam’s getting angry at everyone, even Zayn sometimes. Falling asleep holding each other very quickly turns to yelling at each other and slamming doors. Liam sees Zayn trying to hold back tears far too many times for it to be okay._

_They don’t know how management found out. It wasn’t Niall, Louis or Harry, obviously. But Liam finds himself glaring at Louis and Harry whenever they show affection, not understanding how they aren’t just messes of what they used to be. Him and Zayn always go back to each other, always fall back into it after a fight but every time it feels like they’re losing thei selves, they aren’t strong enough to get through it._

_“Niall’s ordering pizza to his room,” Liam says, reading out a text. Zayn’s lying next to him in bed, pretending to be asleep so they don’t have to talk. “I know you’ll say no, but do you want to join us for dinner?”_

_“I want to leave,” Zayn whispers. It’s so quiet that Liam’s almost certain he’s misheard._

_“What?”_

_“I want to leave, Liam. I can’t do this.”_

_Liam sits up, staring at the back of Zayn’s head where he’s curled up on himself. He looks so small, Liam’s so scared for him sometimes. “Zayn.”_

_Zayn rolls over to look up at Liam, shaking his head. “I can’t do this,” he repeats. “I’m sorry, Li.” He sits up and moves to sit on the edge of the bed, his back to Liam again and Liam doesn’t know what to say. He opens his mouth a few times but then Zayn’s standing up and picking his phone up off of the bedside table, shoving it into his pocket. He grabs a pair of shoes._

_“That’s it? You’re just going?” Liam asks._

_“Yeah, Liam. I’m just going.”_

_“We still have shows.”_

_“You’ll manage.”_

_Liam can feel himself starting to shake as he watches Zayn putting his shoes on. He stands up and tries to step towards Zayn but Zayn’s backing away like he can’t even stand to touch Liam. “No,” Liam says, voice firm. “No way, Zayn. You are not walking out of that fucking door.”_

_Zayn sighs. “I’ll get someone to send my stuff to my Mum’s. I can’t – I don’t want anyone see me leave with my cases.”_

_“Zayn,” Liam says helplessly. “Please.”_

_“Don’t,” Zayn warns. His hand on the door handle and Liam’s going to throw up. He’s sure of it. “This isn’t even good anymore, Li, none of it. I don’t want it.”_

_“What about us?” Liam asks._

_“What about us? What are we, Liam? We’re a mess. You have no idea what you want, you’re not fighting for any of this. You’re not even trying. Don’t pretend you fucking care now.” Zayn’s finally raising his voice but this isn’t like the other arguments. This is Zayn walking out on Liam, the band, everything, just getting up and walking away. This is everything Liam’s been scared of, what’s kept him up at night._

_Zayn looks at Liam, raising his eyebrows as if he’s waiting for a response, like Liam’s meant to know what to say. When Liam doesn’t say anything, Zayn opens the door and he starts walking. He starts walking and Liam sits back down on the bed and feels everything fall away slowly, as if he can actually see the floor crumble and the whole building collapse. Everything is on the floor in seconds, he’s pushing things off of his bedside table, his stuff and Zayn’s stuff, and it isn’t enough._

_The next day when he tells the guys what’s happened Harry’s staring at the bruise forming on Liam’s knuckles and Liam has to hide his hands under the table._

_It’s weeks later, after press releases, after the end of the tour, after Liam not even being able to say Zayn’s name without it getting stuck on his tongue and making him want to punch something, that Zayn turns up at Liam’s. Liam stares at him for a moment and then goes to close the door but Zayn stops him._

_“Liam, come on. Don’t do this,” Zayn says._

_“Don’t do what?”_

_The guys are all inside. They’ve been trying to get ideas together for new songs but it’s actually just ended up being a snacks, beer and FIFA night because it’s a day off. They all need a bloody day off._

_Zayn glances behind them but there’s no one around. “Can I come in?” Zayn asks._

_Liam sighs and opens the door wider, stepping back for Zayn to enter. He knows Zayn has realised the others are there by the slight wince on his face when he hears Niall’s loud ‘woop’ after probably beating the other two again. Then Louis is shouting something and there’s Harry laughing at them both._

_“Shit,” Zayn mutters. “Can we just talk for a second?”_

_“Sure.” Liam doesn’t move and Zayn bites down on his lip, eyes glancing down._

_“I’m sorry,” Zayn starts but Liam cuts him off with a laugh. “What? Why are you laughing?”_

_“You just left, Zayn. You can say sorry but it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t change anything.”_

_“Then what can I do? To make it okay, so we can stay friends?”_

_Liam isn’t sure why he gets so mad at that. In his head he thinks, fuck it, they’ll be another conversation later like after all their fights, they’ll be a time to fix this and move on, but then another part of him knows that this is it. “What can you do?” he asks and Zayn nods, looking so desperate to do and say the right thing. “You can go home and never call me or message me or turn up uninvited at my house again,” Liam says with a shrug._

_Zayn lets out a breath. “Really?” he asks._

_“Really.”_

_In the back of Liam’s mind he knows the noises in his living room have died down. He knows the boys are listening._

_“Fuck you,” Zayn says, his voice low. “I didn’t have to come here. I wanted to, I wanted to mend this but there’s nothing to even mend.”_

_“There never was.” Liam sees Zayn’s eyes widen and he swears he can also see Zayn’s heart breaking, his body seems to just slump for a second like he’s completely done with it all but then he’s tense again in the next second._

_“I won’t call then. I don’t want to anyway, I was just trying to do the right thing,” Zayn says._

_“The right thing would be to fuck off,” Liam continues. He barely recognises himself, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. This isn’t him. Liam cares so much about people’s feelings, especially Zayn’s. Hurting people, even accidently, is the absolute worst thing to him, even if someone’s hurt him first. He’s not sure how to stop himself though._

_Zayn nods and turns to leave but then he turns back and he’s breathing hard. Liam’s fists are clenched at his sides. “Sort yourself out, Liam. It was just a bit of fun, wasn’t it?”_

_And that’s what does it. “Yeah,” Liam says, nodding his head. “That’s all it ever was to me. You meant nothing. I don’t care if you leave.” He wants to take the words and pull them back. He feels sick as Zayn bites on his lip and Liam sees tears welling in his eyes. He’s made Zayn cry. He’s crossed that line for real now, made his best friend and the person he cares about more than anyone else in the world, have to squeeze his eyes shut against tears._

_When Zayn opens his eyes he moves towards Liam and Liam moves too. He doesn’t want to hit Zayn, doesn’t want to ever hurt him, not really, but he is shoving him back before Zayn gets a chance to touch him. Zayn pushes him back and when Liam raises his fist he feels hands pulling him back and Louis’ voice in his ear. “Li, calm down,” Louis warns. Liam turns to see the others in the doorway, just staring. He struggles out of Louis’ grip and looks up at Zayn who’s scrubbing at the wetness on his cheeks._

_“I hate you,” Zayn mutters._

_Then he’s gone. The door closes and no one says anything for a long time until Liam makes them all leave, practically shoving Louis out of the door when he tries to refuse. Liam sits on the floor in the hall, sliding down the wall and dropping his head to his hands. He doesn’t move for a good few hours, not being able to blink away the look on Zayn’s face before he left._

Liam showers and gets into his car, typing out the address Zayn has sent him. Estimated time of arrival is in fifty minutes. Liam has fifty minutes to plan what to say, fifty minutes to prepare himself for actually seeing Zayn again. His nails dig into the leather of the steering wheel. 

After their last argument, after Liam’s little breakdown outside a nightclub, Liam messaged Zayn to say sorry. He didn’t get a reply. He called him and Zayn didn’t answer. He tried over and over but Zayn stuck to his word and shut Liam out as if they had never even met. Liam would go out, get drunk, leave stupid voice messages about how sorry he was and how he wanted Zayn to come back and he doesn’t even know if Zayn listened to them. Maybe he saw them and deleted them. Liam remembers the way Zayn used to look at him though, the way he loved him without saying the words, because he was Liam and that’s all Zayn ever wanted. When Liam thinks about that he thinks Zayn must have listened. He listened and he forced himself not to say anything back because it was easier, it hurt less.

Liam never told Zayn how much he loved him and that’s his biggest regret.

That’s the only thing he needs to say.

When Liam pulls up outside Zayn’s house he spends a few moments stalling, checking he remembered his phone, adjusting his mirror, glancing at the big house with its long driveway and knowing Zayn’s in there somewhere probably waiting, maybe freaking out as much as Liam is. After nearly five minutes has gone by Liam gets out of his car.

He knocks on the door and then he steps back and for a second he really considers turning and running back to his car. He doesn’t get a chance though because the doors opening and Zayn’s there. He smiles.

“Liam,” he says. They both stand there, Liam not knowing where to look because if he looks straight at Zayn he’s sure he won’t be able to look away. He shoves his hands into his pockets and fixes his stare on the ground.

“Come in?” Zayn suggests. Liam takes a step forward but then just hovers. He glances up once and Zayn’s smile has dropped but he’s looking at Liam in a really intense way, a way Liam remembers so well. It doesn’t feel like time has passed at all but so much of it has.

Fuck it. Liam takes his hands out of his pocket and he wraps his arms around Zayn, pulling him close. He feels Zayn sink into it, burying his face into Liam’s neck. Zayn’s warm, everything about him is warm, his smell, the way his fingers grip at Liam’s shirt, his nose pressed against Liam’s skin, his shaky breaths.

When Liam steps back Zayn opens the door wider and steps back to let Liam walk in and Liam realises he hasn’t said a word yet. He clears his throat as Zayn closes the door behind them but Zayn talks first.

“You want a drink? I have some beers,” he says and Liam nods.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, his voice sounding weird and too loud in his own head. Zayn walks through to the kitchen and Liam follows him. Zayn gets two bottles of beer out of the fridge and then searches through a drawer for a bottle opener. Neither of them say a word as Zayn clicks the bottles open and passes one to Liam.

They tap the bottles together before both taking a mouthful. “I know what I was meant to say,” Liam says and Zayn takes another, bigger gulp from the bottle before placing it on the table and looking at Liam with furrowed brows.

“What?” he asks.

“Before. When you left, before you left, all the time. I never told you how much you meant to me. I was too scared to tell you, so I let you think I didn’t care about you but I did. I do.”

Zayn swallows, fingers picking at the label on his bottle.  “I was hoping we could make small talk for a bit before diving right in to this,” he admits.

Liam smiles. “I need to say it before I chicken out again,” he says.

“I think both of us fucked up so don’t go blaming it all on yourself,” Zayn says.

“But I had so many chances to tell you and I was too stupid to realise how I felt. If that makes sense.”

Zayn shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling. “I never told you either. And then I ignored you for like two years so – “

“Because I asked you not to talk to me, because I thought that’s what I wanted.”

“Christ. What have we been doing?” Zayn asks. He lifts his beer to his mouth again and Liam does the same.

“I was in love with you,” Liam says after a few moments of silence.

Zayn looks at him, really looks at him and then he lets out a short, dry laugh. “I’m still in love with you, Liam. I never stopped. I don’t remember ever not loving you,” he says.

It feels a bit like someone’s sucked all the air out of the room and now neither of them are breathing in anything. Liam stares and Zayn stares right back, looking like he wants to chase the words and stop them being heard but it’s too late. It’s too late for anything to be taken back, all the nights they spent together, all the time between then and now, the distance between them that they can’t get back.

“Sorry,” Zayn mutters, looking down at his bottle. “Fuck, sorry I – I don’t know why I said that. _Fuck_. This has been so hard, I tried not to call you. I wanted to, I needed to hear your voice and I just I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“Zayn,” Liam doesn’t know what else to say. They’ve both been so fucking stupid. He takes a step forward at the same time Zayn does and there’s hesitation, a pause that lasts half a second but feels like forever.

“Liam,” Zayn says and then his mouth is on Liam’s mouth, his hands are in Liam’s hair and Liam’s hands are on Zayn’s arms, his back, pulling him closer. They stumble back, Zayn crashing into the counter behind him and Liam could rip Zayn’s shirt he’s holding on so tight. Zayn pulls back and presses his face to Liam’s neck, arms around him, holding him close. He lets out a long breath and Liam closes his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Liam whispers.

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for giving up on you, on us. I promise you it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t like that,” Zayn says.

“I’m sorry for all of it. I wish we could go back – “

Zayn pulls away and shakes his head. “I don’t. This is us, all of it. We get another chance now.”

Liam wants to keep apologising but it isn’t going to take anything back so he just takes touches Zayn’s face, his fingers running over skin. He leans forward and kisses Zayn, softer. “I love you, Zayn. I’m stupid for taking so long to say that to you. I love you so much.”

He slides his hands under Zayn’s shirt, fingers against heated skin and he isn’t sure if he’s going to laugh or cry when he feels Zayn’s mouth on his neck like they’re right back in that hotel room. When Zayn moves his head to kiss Liam again, Liam feels overwhelmed by it, by how long it’s been and how has he even survived without this? How did they ever let themselves fall apart?

He feels Zayn’s hands move to his waist, pushing on his shirt and they pull it off together before Zayn pulls off his own. New tattoos, new muscles. Liam can’t wait to trace everything out and get used to Zayn all over again. Zayn wraps his arms around Liam’s neck and pulls him into another kiss. His hands slide over Liam’s back, dropping to his arse and pulling him closer so Liam can feel him, hard under his jeans.

“Do you – um, wanna move this to the bedroom?” Zayn asks, nodding his head back out of the room. Liam nods. Zayn smiles the kind of smile he used to give Liam when it was past midnight and Liam couldn’t sleep so he’d get into Zayn’s bunk on the bus and kiss him until their mouths hurt. It’s been too long since Liam’s seen that kind of smile.

“I mean, it could be hot to get down here but I know you’ll make some comment about it being unhygienic and then you’ll ruin the mood by putting everything on the counters in drawers so we don’t damage anything – “ Zayn says, smile growing.

“Shut up,” Liam says, shaking his head.

“You know I’m right, so don’t – “ Zayn doesn’t finish his sentence because Liam tugs him closer and presses up between his legs, rolling his hips against Zayn’s and Zayn just stutters out a moan, his mouth going back to Liam’s neck where he bites down gently and sucks. 

“I’ve missed your mouth – on my neck,” Liam admits, because he’s learnt his lesson on honesty and he might never be able to shut up about everything he’s missed and everything he wants now. He feels Zayn smile and then Zayn’s kissing him again.

“I’ve missed your mouth on my mouth,” Zayn says.

“That too,” Liam says with a nod. He smiles and Zayn kisses it, his hand trailing down Liam’s arm and finding his fingers. He tugs him out of the kitchen, back into the hall and to the stairs. They stumble upstairs, Zayn’s hands knowing everywhere they need to be to make Liam gasp out his name against his lips. The curtains are open in Zayn’s room, light against the bed that Zayn pushes Liam down onto. Liam shuffles back and leans up on his elbows, kicking off his shoes and socks as Zayn does the same and then joins him on the bed, over him, on top of him. God, Liam’s on fire.

It doesn’t feel like before, it isn’t clumsy and shaky like their first few times or rushed and dirty like a lot of the others. But it doesn’t feel like they’ve spent two years pretending to hate each other either, it’s like they’ve slipped back to where they should be. Zayn kisses Liam hard as his fingers slip to the waistband of his tracksuit bottoms, tugging on them. Liam raises his hips so Zayn can take them off with his boxers and Liam stares as Zayn sits up and gets his own off. For a moment they look at each other, Zayn’s eyes moving down, his tongue wetting his lips when he takes in the hard line of Liam’s cock against his stomach. Liam squirms and resists the urge to hide because he’s doing the same, eyes all over Zayn like he’s never seen him before.

“You’re beautiful,” Liam breathes and Zayn gets back on him, kissing him. Liam’s already trying to push himself closer to Zayn. He can feel Zayn’s cock slide against his stomach and he needs more, needs everything now.

“We’ve got time,” Zayn says, like he’s read Liam’s mind. It’s probably the best thing he could have said, we have time. We have forever if we want it enough. Liam pulls back to look at Zayn and Zayn just smiles.

“I love you,” Liam says again.

“I love you too, Liam.”

Zayn leans over, opening the drawer next to his bed. He pulls out a bottle of lube, pressing it into Liam’s hand before he rolls off of Liam onto his back. Liam smiles and uncaps the bottle, getting on onto his fingers. He leans over to kiss Zayn slowly, opening his mouth as his fingers trace his hole. Liam works in a finger, pulling back just enough to see Zayn’s face, watching him close his eyes. Zayn rolls his hips to meet Liam’s hand as Liam slides in another finger, working Zayn open around them. Zayn moves his head to kiss Liam again, moaning into his mouth.

Liam can’t take his eyes off of Zayn, even as he works lube over himself. Zayn’s eyes are hooded and he’s breathing slow, his eyes fixed on Liam and then dropping slowly to where his hand is. He makes a small noise in his throat and Liam feels the back of his heel press into Liam’s back, urging him forward. Liam leans back over Zayn on one arm, guiding himself forward. As he works himself in, Zayn’s mouth falls open and he arches up off the mattress. “God, Zayn,” Liam breathes against his cheek, moving to kiss his lips. Zayn gasps out when Liam’s all the way in, hips meeting. He feels Zayn’s hands on his back and then in his hair as Zayn pulls him in for a kiss that bruises. Liam starts rocking his hips then and he can feel Zayn pushing himself back against his movement. He goes slow at first but then starts picking up his pace with quick thrusts of his hips that make them both gasp against each other’s lips. Liam feels dizzy with it. He’s kissing Zayn again, licking into his mouth. Then Zayn’s pushing him back and Liam slides out of him as Zayn pushes him onto his back and climbs on top of him. He reaches behind himself and guides Liam back inside, groaning when Liam wraps his hand around his cock.

Liam can see Zayn now, all of him, his fluttering eyes, his kiss red lips, his muscles tensing every time Liam gets himself in deep, hands on Liam’s chest, nails almost biting at the skin and the way he’s lifting himself up and shoving his hips down with each of Liam’s thrusts. Zayn moans and Liam leans forward to get his mouth on his again, he can’t get enough. Liam rocks his hips up harder, his free hand on Zayn’s hip, tracing skin as he continues moving his hand on his cock.

Zayn pushes his hips down again and then his fingers dig into Liam’s chest and he closes his eyes, breaths coming out short and fast. He moans and Liam watches him come, doesn’t take his eyes off of his face as he throws his head back, teeth digging into his bottom lip. Liam follows quickly after with a shaky gasp and Zayn leans forward to catch his lips. Zayn’s shaking, his body jolting against Liam’s as Liam runs his hands over his back. Liam can’t think of words. Zayn lifts himself off of him and pretty much collapses next to him, still breathing hard.

Then Zayn rolls onto his side with his back to Liam, reaching behind him for Liam who moves close to him, front pressed to his back and heated, slick with sweat skin, pressing everywhere. He ducks his head to press kisses over Zayn’s shoulder, listening to Zayn sigh.

“All right?” Liam whispers.

Zayn reaches for Liam’s hand and entwines their fingers, bringing both to his chest where Liam feels the thud of his heart.  “Yeah,” Zayn replies. “You?”

Liam smiles, pushing his face into the crook of Zayn’s neck, breathing him in. “I’m great,” he says.

 

When Liam wakes up the other side of the bed is empty.

He sits up, eyes darting around the room which he doesn’t recognise. “Zayn?” he calls out. He crawls to the edge of the bed where Zayn left his clothes and they’re gone. There’s a horrible sinking feeling building in the pit of his stomach but it only lasts a second because then the doors being pushed open and Zayn’s there. He’s holding two mugs of coffee.

“Morning,” Zayn says, placing them down on the table next to the bed. He gets back into bed next to Liam and kisses his cheek.

Liam smiles at him, moving to kiss him properly, morning breath be damned. Zayn’s smiling too much to kiss back. He sits back against the headboard, just looking at Liam like he used to, like he’s looking at something incredible.

“Good morning,” Liam replies, trying to hold back his own grin. “What are your plans for the day?”

Zayn moves to kiss Liam’s shoulder, still smiling against his skin. “You. You’re my plan for today.”

Liam thinks about what’s happened, what they can’t take back and what they can start to rebuild together. This is theirs, always has been. It’s nothing to do with anyone else. It’s kisses in the dark when everyone else is sleeping and Zayn squeezing his hip under his t shirt when he thinks no one can see. It’s this right now; the two of them drinking coffee in Zayn’s bed at midday with Zayn running his fingers through Liam’s hair and Liam presses hot kisses to his neck. They’ll tell the guys later, of course, but now they’ll enjoy this. They have time to lie around and remember each other and learn about the new parts of each other, catch up on what’s been missed.

“You’re my plan forever,” Liam murmurs against Zayn’s skin and Zayn responds by taking their coffee, placing it on the table and pushing Liam back down onto the bed.

They’ve got time.

**Author's Note:**

> https://djtommotomlinson.tumblr.com/


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